Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
