someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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