you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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