DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
