There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
