He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
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I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
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They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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