I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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