I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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