Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
