So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
