I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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