they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
