I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
