We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
