Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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