We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
