My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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