Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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