I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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