I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
