Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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