i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
