is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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