he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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