Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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