Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we made out on top of his cat.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
