also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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