her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
