i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
