My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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