Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
