I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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