She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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