sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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