somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
