i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
