I didn't shave. On purpose
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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