So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Two words: nipple clamps
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