physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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