Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
