I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
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We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
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I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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