If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
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