a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pants are for mortals
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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