you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
i've created a new STD.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
