glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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