Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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