My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
