I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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