There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think my vagina is haunted
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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