so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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