I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I cockslap morals
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
