So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
