Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
