trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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