This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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