NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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