i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
