Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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