True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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