So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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