I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
